After much fail text conversations
and multiple times of deciding to give up and let go without actually
accomplishing anything to move on for real, I was set to meet him. I have so
many unanswered questions. It was about time we faced each other again after
more than a year apart. There have been almost-cancellations during the day
itself, but I did not want to put it away anymore. It needed to happen. I
needed to start moving on because it seemed like we have no chance of getting
back together.
It was a quick 4 hours. In fact, I
could not remember exactly any of the strings of dialogues we had, and the
doodles on my planner are not helping. When the talk is over, I did not feel
anything. Or I just did not know what to feel. But I can still recall how I
felt while we were there, sitting beside each other facing the trees, the water
and the ducks. It was a fleeting revived feeling of the love we lost. Of
contentment and peace. Reminiscing and laughter. But I did not water it to
grow, because at the back of my mind I knew that we were never getting back
together.
We talked about random things like
good old friends (plus occasional bitter hirits here and there). He answered
all the questions in my checklist. Most of what he said were already what I
expected, except for the fact that he did share my haunting belief that we had
a weak foundation or an ugly start, and that for him she was more beautiful
than me. It was a lie, but I know that who was prettier did not actually
matter. He is with her now and I am the ex. Where we stand now is final. She
won. We are over. We are never getting back together.
He loves her. She makes him happy,
and I admit now that it is probably really in a way that I have never made him
feel before. Some of my "what-if's" were not extinguished, contrary
to what I hoped. Still, no matter how much I deemed it unfair that he did not
give me my shot to try to make things work between us, and that he did not wait
for me to become a better person before he considered looking for a
replacement, things will continue to be just be as they are now. Unfair, and
the only recourse for me is to accept that somebody else has already filled my
space in his life, to accept that we are never getting
back together.
Before we parted, I gave him back
our ring. That one last thing that contained all the feelings of the past, all
the promises, all the hopes for the future. I did not understand why at first
he wanted me to keep it, but when I said that keeping it is tantamount to me
still holding on to the hopes of us, he finally accepted. We hugged, but it was
awkward and empty. And at that moment it felt more real than ever that we have no chance
of getting back together.
He wished for me someone better,
someone who according to him, deserved my love more. I did not hear the rest of
his speech. I did not want anyone else, just him. He was enough for me and I
know I can love him more than she does if he only gave me the chance. And he
knows that. When we broke up, all that I wanted was for us to fix the broken
parts of our relationship and establish a new start, a start we can be proud
of, a start that is not weak nor ugly, one that will not haunt us or make us
feel discontented, a start that is worth remembering. Yet, it is too late now.
He did not care anymore whether he was the one who deserved my love or not; he
knows deep inside of him and has decided that I cannot have him back anymore. For him, we are
never getting back together.
He did not look back as he walked
away. He was already moving forward, and I realized I should be, too. But
first, I need to learn to love myself
again, to find that girl who was lost when he decided to walk away and love
somebody else. I need to revive that girl who took risks, who loved
passionately, who trusted wholeheartedly and who believed in happy endings. I
need to love myself and learn to love again, even if it will not be him whom I
would love anymore. I need to start learning to accept that we have no chance
of ever getting back together.
Oddly, I did not cry. It seemed like I have become
numb. I have been awake for more than 24 hours but I chose to run until I did
not feel my whole body, until all the things around me had become a blur. I did
not want to feel anything anymore. I did not want to curl up in bed and cry like a little girl. But no matter how long I jogged, I could not
run from the feelings that haunted me. I could not escape from the sad breaking
truth that we were never getting back together, that things were really over
between us.
Still, I am thankful that he had
been totally honest with me during this last encounter. That he admitted that
he saw the love they share as something that would last forever, that he was
happy with her. That he gave me the assurance that there was nothing I was
waiting for from him anymore. That we are definitely never getting back together.
And so, when I send him back all the
things he gave me, I am hoping that all my feelings for him will go with them
as well. I will let all my feelings pour out and be gone, all the emotions that
I have carefully kept hidden in the vain hope that one day, he will come back
and accept them again. The love that I stopped acknowledging but continued to
hold on tightly to. Eventually, I will
let it all go and move on to find happiness, trust and acceptance. I will start
believing again that there is indeed love in this world, that it is just
romance which fades, and that this love keeps relationships alive through
commitment and understanding. Yes, we are never ever getting back together, and
someday when I am ready to love again, it will be the best truth that I will
learn from and live with.
